Food For Thought: Light and Salt

This morning I came across this picture of something I wrote when I felt that I could study no more anatomy last year:

In my Human Structure & Function course (HSF), we started with the musculoskeletal system, in which the anatomy portion required us to memorize the origin and insertion of each muscle, what it’s function was, and what nerve(s) innervated it. At one point I felt really overwhelmed, and I did not want to study any longer. How I came up with this, I have no idea, but I guess you could say that coming across it this morning was my saving grace. This semester has been pretty hellish, and there have been many times where I just wanted to throw in the towel and call the whole thing off (Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers anyone?). Coming across this picture reminded me this morning that I have a purpose. In all the craziness and stress, I have a purpose.

Where we started (origin) and where we are now (insertion) and all the places we pass through all serve one function–to be a light to the world and salt to the earth, to imitate Christ. And what gives us this power? What–or Who, rather–enables us to carry out this function? The Holy Spirit. We are not expected to carry this function out on our own; just as a muscle is unable to contract unless it has a source powering it (nerves), we were given the Holy Spirit to give us the power to carry out the function of lighting and seasoning the world.

Food For Thought!

God bless,

Marina

Domestic Violence. It’s Time to Stand Up.

Today’s post is about a serious issue that happens worldwide. In one of my classes we discussed domestic violence and how to deal with patients who come into the emergency department or to the office who we suspect to be a victim. The statistics from the video below astonished me, and I decided to do something, even if it is something small.

The worst part, or the most difficult part, about domestic violence is that oftentimes the victim loves his/her abuser and doesn’t want to put him/her into harm or trouble. A lot of the time victims don’t even realize that what is happening to them is even abuse because they grew up in abusive homes and learned that abuse was the norm.

It’s time to put a stop. It’s time to stand up. If you are being abused, it is not your fault. You are not alone. There are people here for you who want to help you. If you know someone who is a victim to domestic violence, be his/her supporter, advocate, and if/when the victim is ready, be there!

If you are in Kansas City, here are some helpful resources:

Hope House — http://www.hopehouse.net/kansas-city-domestic-violence-information

Rose Brooks Center 24 Hour Crisis Hotline — (816) 861-6100 , http://www.rosebrooks.org/

http://www.dhss.mo.gov/ElderAbuse

Children’s Division of Child Abuse and Neglect Hotline: 1-800-392-3738 (toll free), http://www.dhss.mo.gov/cd

There are resources everywhere! If you don’t know where to go, the emergency department is always open and ready to help!

God bless,

Marina

Food For Thought: Intimacy

So my dad got me into the habit of opening the CNN site when I want to make sure my internet is working properly. This morning I was trying to open my internet and blackboard was being SUPER slow, so I tried CNN, and it worked! The point is (yes, there’s a point to this), I clicked a link that led me to the religion blog on the CNN site. I found a blog that said something I found really interesting:

Intimacy (in-to-me-see).

Intimacy is being seen.

You know in “Avatar” when Jake is in his human body during the war and Neytiri comes to him? He looks at her and says, “I see you,” and she responds, “I see you.” In that moment does your heart not melt? And why? Because in this moment you see true intimacy; they see each other, not just physically, but they see within each other. You see this mutual understanding between them, in their eyes, that says, “I see you. I see your flaws. I see your beauty. I see everything about you, and for all that I see, you are mine and I am yours no matter what happens.”

This is what we are all looking for! We desperately want someone to look at us, to look INTO us, and say, “You are beautiful. You  are broken. But I understand you, and I love you for all of it.”

The post I was reading was about looking for intimacy and ending up with sex, and the difference between the two. We give our hearts, we give our bodies, we give everything, when what we really want is intimacy. We want to be seen for all that we are, and we want to be loved for it.

Well, I read the wrong Psalm for today’s readings, since I’m blind and read 96 as 95, but that’s beside the point. Psalm 95:6 says, “Oh come, let us worship and bow down; Let us kneel before the LORD our Maker.” One word stuck out to me: “Maker.” God made ME. He made ME exactly how He wanted, and He said, “you are My perfect creation.” He sees into me, and He says, “it is good.” Every little quirk, every little detail within me was made on purpose, just the way God knew would make me beautiful. And even after I fell, after I sinned and betrayed Him–even BEFORE that–He said, “I love you too much to let you go. I love you, and I see your beauty, and I see Me in you, and I will do WHATEVER it takes to be with you for the rest of eternity.” He sees into me, my flaws, my sins, my betrayals, my controllingness, my stubbornness, my lack of trust, but He also sees Himself in me, He sees my hurt, my scars, my heart, my beauty, my eagerness, my desire to be loved. He sees all this and all the things even I don’t see, and He says, “You are My perfect creation. You are My beloved, and I will DIE if it means I will be with you for the rest of eternity.”

Intimacy with others is not bad; God made Eve to be intimate with Adam. But how can we be fulfilled with the intimacy of others if we do not first fill ourselves with intimacy with the ultimate Love?

We all want to be seen, and we are. Someone is seeing into you RIGHT NOW. And He says, “Wow. I did good.”

Food For Thought!

Marina

It’s Been A While…

So it’s been QUITE a while since I’ve written a new post. It has been one CRAZY semester, and a few tough months for me spiritually. I neglected everything, my spiritual rule, worship, any form of communication with God other than, “please God don’t let me fail this test.” It’s been too long since I last opened my Bible, too long since the last praise I have given to the Lord.

The last few days I’ve been on vacation with my cousins, some wonderful people I haven’t seen in way too long, and they reminded me of something. No matter how long it’s been, it hasn’t been long enough for God to forget about you. That’s the beauty of God’s mercy and His grace. I went on a retreat last weekend, and we had a great speaker, Chris, who told us the definitions of mercy and grace, two definitions I never actually understood. Mercy is not getting what we deserve and grace is getting that which we don’t deserve. I deserve to be cast off, forgotten by God, and I by no means deserve for Him to take me back, and yet, because He is good, He says, “no worries, I’ve still got your back.” If this wasn’t enough, I was reading John today, and God told me exactly the same thing: “All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out” (John 6:37).

Guys, I’m living proof that no matter how many times we stray, and no matter how long, God will not turn His back on us. I hope that I — and those of you in the same boat as me — can take advantage of this and return to God with all my being.

God bless,

Marina

Broccoli Cheddar Soup For The Soul

Today I made myself a therapy session with my kitchen and iTunes playlist. The goal: make homemade broccoli cheddar soup. The outcome: so much more. It’s amazing how much you think while chopping up some vegetables.

In this cooking therapy, I came to realize a number of things: garlic is really sticky when you mince it; cutting up veggies is a VERY LONG task and I should probably go to physical therapy (long standing sucks for bad backs); don’t miss church if you can help it; it’s so nice cooking for two instead of just one (I hope Mer is okay with that statement because I may be cooking for her more often); waste of time or not, this is going to have to become a weekly activity; lastly, but most importantly, I don’t belong here, and my joy comes only from God and His never-ending love and mercy. I know I probably sound crazy with the different directions and randomness of my thoughts, but Brooke Fraser and Audrey Assad helped me out with that last one.

The past few months I’ve been dealing with disappointment after disappointment in my life. Don’t get me wrong, not everything has been a disappointment, but I’ve been dealing with multiple disappointments, to be sure. First, I lost a good friendship. Things were going great and then in a matter of a week the relationship blew up in my face. It took a while to recover from it, and even now it gets to me sometimes. Around the same time and after, things were tense in my house. I live with three other girls, and, well, we all know that can be a struggle sometimes. It just happened to be a struggle happening while I was already beaten down. In the midst of that, and even now, I felt–and feel–disconnected from almost all my friends back home. Not many people ask about me, and to be honest, I don’t ask about many of my friends either. We could all blame it on lack of time, but what about those 15 minutes before class where I am doing nothing? Why not ping or call a friend? The point is, things were rough, and on top of that, I felt I had none of my friends back home to talk to about it. Then came my summer grades. Don’t even get me started on my summer (or lack thereof). I didn’t do as well as I wanted and I felt as if I disappointed myself and my parents. Then a friend of mine who’d been in Kansas City for the summer (as well as my lifesaver with my Sunday School class for the summer) had to go back to the east coast. Companionship has been running low around here, if you haven’t noticed.

But then a couple of days ago, I had a win. At least, that’s what I thought. I did excellent on a practical I was sure I bombed. Great, right? Yeah, it was FANTASTIC to finally succeed in SOMETHING. But I’m not satisfied. That grade didn’t take away the feeling of disappointment I have in this world. Even the wins here on earth aren’t enough to make me feel like I am satisfied or happy here. I’m not. I still feel like I’m losing. I still feel disappointed at what this world has to offer me. So disappointed, I just decided to stay home today. I didn’t end up volunteering at the clinic downtown, so I could very well have gone to church today, but I didn’t. Why? Because I’m so angry at the world. I realize how ridiculous these thoughts are as I type them out. But this blog is a No-Judge-Zone (and even if you’re judging me at home, so be it).

Even though I didn’t go to God, to His house, today when I was too busy despising the world, God came to MY house. While I was chopping up veggies, pouring chicken broth, stirring pots, God spoke to me through the words of some incredible women:

“If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I was not made for here” –“C.S. Lewis Song” Brooke Fraser

“I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me” –“C.S. Lewis Song” Brooke Fraser

“When the world has fallen out from under me I’ll be found in You, still standing” –“Shadowfeet” Brooke Fraser

“There’s a question like a shame no one will show, ‘What do I live for?'” –“Hosea’s Wife” Brooke Fraser

“Don’t lie to yourself, O my soul; love your God” –“O My Soul” Audrey Assad

“All I am is breath and vapour and shadows, and all I have is what I need, this I know, that I need a new song” –“New Song” Audrey Assad

All these lyrics scream for something beyond this life. Likewise, so does my soul. This disappointment in the world is my soul telling me that I’m placing too much value on the world, I’m giving it too much priority. If I am actually disappointed by the world, that means I expected it to do something for me, to fulfill me or give me some sort of satisfaction. But I wasn’t made for this world. I was made for so much more. I was made for the Eternal Kingdom, for the Fatherly Bosom, for the Perfect Bridegroom.

All this from a simple bowl of soup, huh. Funny how God makes ways for us to hear His voice, isn’t it.

God bless,

Marina

Raw and Broken Down

This post is probably going to be the most honest, raw, open post I put up. I do a fairly good job addressing a subject by beating around it. I never want to outright admit what my problems exactly are. I’m afraid I might cause my friends to judge me or scare away a “potential suitor” or two with the nasty skeletons in my closet. But recently I’ve been inspired by Heather and Kelly and their blog A Girl Like Me, and by my beautiful friend Gabby and her blog Like Father Like Daughter. They are so honest, brutally so, about their struggles, about their pains, about the things God has been teaching them, and so now, it’s my turn. I’m throwing that fear out the window and diving in because, chances are, one person will relate or be touched by what I have to say. At least that’s all I can pray and hope for. So here goes!

I have always grown up in the church, always attended every Sunday service, every Saturday vespers, attended Bible studies, youth meetings, servants meetings, you name it. But being Christian was never something hard. Not until I found myself in the wilderness that is Kansas City for the second time. In the 2+ years I have been here I have battled all kinds of wars, wars of self-consciousness, self-doubt, self-hatred. Time and again I have told God–through my actions and in so many words, I hate to say–that I don’t care what He thinks of me, that all I care about is what other people think of me. I have tried to find my value, my worth, in other people, in other broken and messed up human beings. That right there is my ongoing struggle. Some people struggle with greed, with compulsive lying, with sexual immorality, with envy. My struggle is idolatry. I go everywhere but the true God to find my worth, to find my value. I put all my time and energy in pleasing others, making others like me, trying to attract, impress, please. But you know what? I’m not ALWAYS like that. For months I’ve been content in the knowledge that I am of worth to my Creator and my true Lover.

But then something happened. I don’t know what or how or exactly when, but I know something happened. Suddenly I felt the old aches resurfacing. So the last couple weeks the struggle began yet again. It’s not easy being in a city alone, over 1000 miles away from your loved ones, with a stress level beyond normal. Bouts of loneliness attack, and then you start to convince yourself that you need someone to make it through. That is me. I convince myself that I need a boy, that he will fill that hole. There, I said it. I’m sure any Tante reading this is gasping, appalled at the shameful statement I just made. But that’s what it is. I start convincing myself that I need someone to fight away the loneliness. There is a big problem in this, and the worst part is that I know this! I know that someone reminding me they miss me or care for me or what have you is not going to fight off the loneliness! At least not for long. I’ve been there. I’ve had someone reminding me multiple times a day how much I meant to them and how missed I was, but that wasn’t enough. I still felt a gaping hole in my heart. And despite the fact that I remind myself of this I still somehow manage to convince myself that this is what I need.

Quite recently, Tenth Avenue North’s new album, The Struggle, came out, and one of the songs, “Don’t Stop The Madness,” introduced a tough prayer: “Don’t stop the madness, don’t stop the chaos, don’t stop the pain surrounding me, don’t be afraid, Lord, to break my heart, just bring me down to my knees”. I felt convicted that this was the prayer God was asking me to pray. So I did. And now, here I am, on my knees, in so much pain it makes me almost want to kick myself for asking such a difficult thing.

But God says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” He promises to be enough for me. He promises to use His strength through my weakness. So instead of praying that God takes this away from me, I pray that He strengthens me. My thoughts, my desires, they’re aiming towards the wrong things. And so I add to my prayer a line from my friend’s song: “redirect my desires that have taken me far, make them point to You.”

Don’t get me wrong. It has been taking every part of my will to stand before God and pray. Just a week ago I decided I was fed up. I told God I didn’t want anything to do with this, with Him. But even one day of that made me realize how destitute I am without the grace and mercy of my Father. I’m still broken. Even in the arms of the Father, I am broken, I am hurt, that hole still hurts. But this wound has been festering for half a decade; it won’t just be healed in a day, or a week, or even a few months. The longer I’ve left the wound be, the longer it will take to be healed.

I’m not totally sure what the point of this post is. Maybe it’s to confess before y’all (Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. –James 5:16), hoping someone will pray for my weak soul. Maybe it’s to let others know that they’re not the only ones feeling this way. Maybe it’s to convince myself not to give up the fight. Maybe it’s all of the above.

God bless,

Marina

Deuteronomy 8:2-3 – Fail, Fall, Get Back Up

And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord.

Devotional: Every time we try to love our enemies and fail and try again, we discover ourselves a little more. God uses this trial to show us our own heart and allow us to become more spiritually mature.

I think this devotional applies beyond loving our enemies. I think it encompasses any commandment I try to fulfill, any good I try to do. You have led me to the wilderness, and although it’s only been 2 years and not 40, I have been humbled and tested; I have hungered and have been fed directly by You, just as You directly fed the Israelites manna from heaven. Any good I’ve ever tried to do, I’ve fallen. No matter what it was, I don’t think there was one instance in which I didn’t fall AT LEAST once, but typically more than that. Whether it’s service, or keeping You my number one, or remaining faithful to You, I have fallen time and again, and every time You’ve shown me a part of who I am, a part of what it is I need to work on. For that I am blessed. I am blessed that You use these times, these hardships, these shortcomings of mine to reveal to me who You made me to be and who I’ve made myself. I will say, though, it’s hard. It’s hard being in the wilderness. It’s hard falling and failing. It’s hard knowing that regardless of my best efforts, I will fall again. But I guess that’s why it’s so good that You are a faithful and merciful God.

God bless!

Marina

PLEASE KEEP THE PERSECUTED AND THOSE SERVING THEM, AS WELL AS THE ORPHANED IN YOUR PRAYERS!

Food For Thought: I Am Loved

So, this morning I was contemplating…lots of things. Then a thought popped into my head: how unbelievably blessed am I that the most beautiful, wonderful, amazing King loves ME?! Some days I just need to take a break from all the worries and anxiety, and remember the only thing that really truly matters: I am dearly and unconditionally loved by the God of the universe and beyond! Nothing, NOTHING, can separate me from His love. Think about that. NOTHING! Not sin, not Satan, not doubt, not unfaithfulness, not my filth, not any created thing, NOTHING. Regardless of what I do or say, I will always be loved by my Jesus. This is the most wonderful thought to wake up to, and I pray that in the midst of all your anxieties and worries, you would stop and think on this truth.

I’ll be completely honest with you, I am currently living the most stressful season of my life. I find myself in class 7 to 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, with very, very, VERY little time to study. Medical school has monopolized what used to be my life, and stress has overwhelmed my already weak and aching heart. I’ve been shedding a few tears periodically throughout the day for the last few days due to my stress over school, over relationships, over feeling satisfied–unsatisfied–with how my life is going. I have never been this stressed. I find myself nauseous, achy, and emotional. I find myself not being me.

The good news? This is just a season. The even better news? I have a Lover who knows all of this. I have a Lover who not only understands, but is taking care of me. If I didn’t have hope in my Savior, I honestly don’t know where I’d be. There would be no way for me to get through these seasons of stress. So what is my point here? Take some time in the midst of all the stress in your life and contemplate the vast, immeasurable love of Christ specially for you! Nothing matters more than this, and nothing is more beautiful than this.

What if we all just lived in the love of God instead of living in our stress?

Food For Thought!

Hosea 6:1-3 – Healing and Binding

Today’s Daily Journal Bible passage and devotional really hit home for me, so I must share it with you!

Come, and let us return to the Lord;
For He has torn, but He will heal us;
He has stricken, but He will bind us up.
After two days He will revive us;
On the third day He will raise us up,
That we may live in His sight.
Let us know,
Let us pursue the knowledge of the Lord.
His going forth is established as the morning;
He will come to us like the rain,
Like the latter and former rain to the earth.

Devotional: The Holy Spirit teaches us persistence by taking away everything that we rely on so we can begin to only pursue Him. He did that with His people in the Old Testament by giving them up into the hands of the Assyrians for a short while until they turned back to Him and loved Him with all of their heart, soul, strength, and mind. They began to desire His ways and so He said He would come to them like rain and reveal Himself to them (a symbol of the Holy Spirit). See how sweet God is! He works in us to force us to persistently seek Him only, and when we finally see the wonderful wisdom behind these acts we desire to know more of His ways. This in turn makes more room from Him to dwell in us as we actively seek Him and His will. He promises to come “as the morning”, which means that when we desire His ways, He will abound in us for sure. This is how the Holy Spirit teaches us to live by His will, and it is wonderful to know that it is all His doing; all we are required to do is submit!

You have definitely torn, and You have definitely stricken, and even though sometimes I feel the pain associated with it, I am thankful for it. You have been healing me and binding me up. I’ll admit, I’m still not completely healed, but I have faith that You will complete this work that You started in me. Had none of this happened, I probably wouldn’t be able to be all there with my Sunday school kids when I’m with them. I probably wouldn’t be as involved as I am now. I’d be struggling more than I already am with HSF IV, that’s for sure. I know that all that You are doing is for my good. It’s just hard to remember sometimes, especially when the pain and the sadness start to take over. Nevertheless I will seek You because I know that You are good, and You are the only thing keeping me put together at all right now.

God bless!

Marina

PLEASE KEEP THE PERSECUTED AND THOSE SERVING THEM, AS WELL AS THE ORPHANED IN YOUR PRAYERS!